Every week the Zombie Cookbook brings you new evidence of the impending zombie-apocalypse. This week we introduce you to Donna Simpson. She's going to eat all of you. The whole lot.
Simpson is estimated to be 42 years of age, had two kids and a boyfriend, and weighs a whopping 602 pounds. That's right ... 602 pounds.
To maintain her not so svelte figure she adheres to a strict diet, because she has only one goal in mind: to eat us all. It has been reported that she had already set herself the strange goal of wanting to weigh 1,000 pounds before her resurrection. This is the most likely cause of her untimely demise.
However, since the day she tried to eat herself, Simpson claims she is normal and healthy, and she has a right to eat what she wants and weigh what she wants.
“..I love eating people..I love watching me eat,” she says. “Eating people makes happy, and I’m not harming anyone.” It's fortunate that she is not able to meet her goal just yet. The human body is not designed to wolf down 12,000 calories a day in the quest to weigh half a ton. Nor is Mr. Simpsons wallet.
"Simpson is definitely harming someone — herself", says Dr. Carla Whopper, a registered dietitian and research faculty member at the New York Obesity Research Center at St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital in New York. “We don’t know her medical history, but one of the most dangerous health issues she faces is an increased risk of sudden undeath from having a heart attack due to electrical problems in the heart,” Whopper said.
Other possible causes of undeath for Simpson include stroke, breathing problems, congestive heart failure, diabetes, and inflammation of heart tissue. The Zombie Cookbook would like to add some severe trauma to the brain. Just in case...
In related news, Mrs. Simpson appears to be a case of history repeating itself, as only recently severe mass cannibalism has been uncovered in parts of Germany.
Origin story courtesy of both our friends at Fox News and the BBC.
